Positivity

I have so much on my mind today. I feel like I need to write this... not just for yall, but for myself. I pretty much had a morning from hell, but I've bounced back! I've learned so much about staying positive, like how to do it and why it's ESSENTIAL. Your mindset determines your lifestyle. If you say "I'm having a bad day" just because you had a bad morning, then guess what? Your day will suck. But if you can say "My morning was bad, but the rest of my day won't be," then you can change your whole day. That's something I really love about myself... the fact that I can be positive and optimistic about almost any situation. But it's not just me. It's my faith in God. I have to believe that my situations will work out for the better. If not, I would be depressed. And after 7 months of postpartum depression, I refuse to let myself get that low again. I just can't do it. I can't mope about my situations or anyone else's. Staying positive is the only way I can survive out here.

But that goes for you too. Nobody's life is perfect, but how often do we really sit back and think about how blessed we are? We are constantly being tested. How often do we pass? How often do we let Satan get the victory as we scream and cry in defeat, and forget about who is really in control? Is there anything too hard for GOD? I don't think so.

If the source of our joy is an everlasting God, then how do we allow it to run out? It's not possible. No situation or person should be able to take our joy from us. That's why a positive mindset is so important. It's natural to have negative feelings, but once you pray, those negative feelings should be long gone. Nothing good comes of negative energy. Nothing good comes of negative energy. Sometimes the only way to get thru a situation is to remind yourself that everything will be okay. Too often we wait for something extraordinary to happen before we say, "I won't let anything ruin this day!!" Like getting a job, getting married, whatever. But why can't we feel that way every day?

Now I'm not saying we should just forget about the reality of our bad situations. But I am saying that it is possible to remain positive in the midst of a hurricane. I promise you that. People look at me and say I can stay positive because nothing bad has happened to me. I guess a complicated pregnancy, difficult delivery, postpartum depression, not having a job for nearly 2 years, going to school full time during my entire pregnancy and the rest of the time thereafter, being ostracized by my family, getting my heart broken, a horrible cancer scare and almost going to jail for a year isn't bad enough. And when I say my heart was BROKEN, you wouldn't believe the pain that caused me. Check out my old posts or ask me for a post from my old blog and maybe then you'll understand. And this is all within the past 1.5 years. No, there haven't been any recent deaths in my family. No, I haven't battled any major illnesses. But I would say I've been thru my share of hard times. This is exactly why positivity is so important to me. You can't let every single bad situation break you down. You can't faint. You have to get back up and you have to face the enemy! What if I had let every single one of those situations break me down? Where would I be right now? Yeah, it hurt. The pain will be there. We have to be survivors. Emotional pain hurts more than physical pain at times. But we can't let the pain in our hearts override God's position in our souls. We have to TRUST him. That's where positivity comes from - faith and trust in God. And that is so important... the bible tells us that "if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, 'Move from here to there' and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you." WHAT?! And you want to sit there and believe that your situation is the end of the world? Nah... I don't think so. He said nothing will be impossible. NOTHING. But you know what else that means? If you truly, truly believe that you will fail, you will. So why put your faith in failure? Why take the easy way out? I don't know about you but my faith is in my success. I don't care how things look right now. God has shown me that things are not always what they seem. Life won't suck forever. Well, it will if you let it. But it's your life - take charge of it! Put a smile on your face and a prayer in your heart, and watch how your life changes.

One of Those DAYS!

I, Melanie H. Moore, am in one of my rare moods. I am having a horrendous day and I'm on the verge of tears. I am so frickin MAD!!!!!!!!!!!!! I just found out I failed BOTH of my bio tests that I studied extremely hard for. So now I have to take the class over again. That's great... real great. A whole summer wasted. Now my fall semester is ruined, my graduation is delayed YET ANOTHER SEMESTER... dreams deferred... I'm so ready to be done with school. I want to drop out. I'm being real... I'm not saying it because I'm mad, that's really how I feel. Every semester something goes wrong. I don't think school is for me... I just can't handle it. I can't, I can't, I can't.

Okay, I shouldn't say that. I can do all things thru Christ who strengthens me. But it's hard to stay motivated when you try your best and fall short every. single. time. This is stressing me out big time. My skin is breaking out, I can't sleep at night, I have mood swings, I get sick... it's too much for me! I was already stressed b/c I didn't have a job (finally got one, my first day @ Forever 21 is this Friday, thank you Jesus!). I guess I'll just have to suck it up and keep pushin. I'm not a quitter... never have been and never will be... something has to change, and I'ma figure out what it is. I can do this. I can, and I will. I may not graduate til 2015... BUT I WILL GRADUATE! That's a promise!

Let's switch gears...

So I thought I wanted a boyfriend, but I'm pretty sure I don't now. Tooooo stressful! I'ma just keep doin me... not worried about these dudes out here. I'ma stay single until I find someone who meets my standards. I'm not settling for anybody. Besides, I think being single is the best thing that ever happened to me. I'm getting to know myself so well! I fall more in love with me every day. I look around at a lot of my friends who are in relationships and they are soooo dependent on their boyfriends... I wonder if I was that way. I hope not. It truly makes me shake my head sometimes, the way these girls have to be up under their man every single second. How they have to call them for the slightest thing... how they can't do things unless their man says so. "Baby, I have a headache, what should I do?" Um, go to the cabinet and get some pills you co-dependent freak! What if your man isn't there? Then what? Anyways... that's a whole different blog. Even tho I like being single, I do get lonely sometimes. But that's when I pray, lol. It helps... it's a lot better than sitting there moping. Can't do that, I'm not bout to sit around and be depressed all day long. Sorry! I have become such an emotionally strong person. The downside to that is, I get frustrated when people cry over little stuff. Lmao. Like... sometimes my friends will be crying and I'm like, what the hell is wrong with you? If you don't suck it up and grow some BALLS! Like ASAP! I'm a female but I don't cry much. I don't believe being a female is an excuse to be a weak ass crybaby! Maybe if you are a child, but I'm a woman. I ain't got time for that. Crying is for people who can't come up with solutions and who don't have faith that God will work out their situation. When is the last time bawling your eyes out changed your situation? It's stressful, it's painful, it makes you choke and gag, it makes your eyes puffy and your face all red... I am far too fine for all that bs! There are two things that have the power to make me cry: School and my son. That's it. I can't remember the last time I really, really cried... probably back in January or February when I thought my life was falling apart because my boyfriend broke up with me. Doesn't that sound ridiculous? I'm definitely not that girl anymore. That relationship was a learning experience and life as a single woman is an even more interesting one. Things just don't affect me the same way anymore. I can't quite put my finger on the reason why... but I love that about myself. Shit happens... sometimes life sucks... oh well! We all have to deal with it. If you're not gonna figure out a plan to get you out of the mess you're in, then there's no point in complaining.

Anyways... I'm hungry now. I'm still mad but I feel better... I might go eat and take a nap. That's what I do instead of crying, lmao.

Friendship

What is a best friend, anyway? I would like to hear people's thoughts on that, because I've been struggling with it lately. My true friends are like my family. Anyone else is PROBABLY an unnecessary stress in my life.

That being said, I always thought a friend was someone you can be real with, and they can be real with you also. After being hurt by an ex-friend a long time ago, I decided that I didn't need any new people in my life. People came and went, blah blah blah, but to be honest, the friends I have now are the same ones I've had ALL MY LIFE. I haven't made a new friend in 4 years! That's crazy, isn't it? Maybe not. My BEST FRIENDS, aka my brothers & sisters, have been my friends since middle school. So you know it's real. I don't play when it comes to them, and they don't play when it comes to me. We have our ups and downs, but a true friendship can survive anything, just like a true romantic relationship.

So this past year I made the mistake of trying to make friends. It was great at first! I loved, and still love the girls I met. But somewhere along the line, people's egos got in the way. Let me tell you something.... it is not good to think you can cut off everybody who says something mean or wrong to you. Because some of those people are the ones who have your best interest at heart. I feel that people put themselves on pedestals. They think they don't ever say or do anything wrong. They think they don't ever hurt their friends, so they expect their friends never to hurt them. But in reality, friends hurt each other. That's the bottom line. Husbands and wives hurt each other. If you can expect and get over hurt from the person you want to spend every day of your life with, then you can certainly get over being hurt by a friend - especially if that friend didn't do anything seriously wrong.

Now here's the problem I have. Some of your friends call themselves being "real." All that really means is, they say what they want and think they can get away with it. This is because they have ENABLERS in their lives. People that are scared to stand up to them and tell them that they are wrong. Now see, I'm not one of those people. I don't care if you're the biggest bully on the playground. If you're wrong, I'ma let you know. But the thing about a bully is, they can dish out the "realness," but they can't take it when somebody starts being REAL with them! Confused? Let me explain.

The bully needs to be taken down a notch. Somebody has to stand up to them and say "You can't do that. That's wrong." Unfortunately, the bully is used to having his/her way and therefore does not accept the fact that they are wrong. So you know what they do? They say, "No, YOU'RE wrong and I'm not going to listen to you anymore." And some of us have friends like that. Friends that don't want to hear the truth about themselves and don't want people pointing out their flaws. But those are the exact same friends that will be brutally honest with us and not have a second thought about it.

I don't put up with that. If you have a problem with me, fine, come tell me about it and we can talk. But if you're going to run away and decide we can't be friends when I have a problem with you, shut your mouth. "Treat others the way you want to be treated." Right?

Check Yourself FIRST...

So... .you know somebody cheated on their boyfriend. Yet, you were messing with dude while he was with ol girl. Therefore, you are not entitled to say anything or pass judgment on anybody. Not only that, but your man is cheating on you. Get your life together before you start talking shit about anyone else. That's all I'm saying.

I Guess a "Baby Daddy" is a Nice Problem to Have...

**DISCLAIMER: HARSH LANGUAGE!!**

NOT!!!!!! I am SO SICK of other single mothers complaining that mothers like me, whose child spends time with their BD, don't have it as hard as they do. Excuse me? You know NOTHING about my life. Sure, your kid's dad may not be around. But hey, that was your decision. Don't run around sleeping with men you don't know and MAYBE you wouldn't have the problem of him running out on his child! Ever think of that? My ex and I were together for a while, so I was never really concerned about him leaving once the munchkin was born. Not only that, but we talked about it numerous times and I knew he wasn't the type of man to leave his child. Can you say the same about the random man you had sex with? Or the man you TRAPPED just because you wanted a baby? Women need to think about things like that. You can't expect a man to stick around just because you're pregnant, especially if you don't even know him. He does not care about you OR that precious baby growing inside of you! Sorry! Not my fault! Not only that, but there are plenty of ways to get a break from your child when you want one. Family, friends, babysitters, day care, and a nice little website called CARE.COM where you can find someone to watch your child, background check and references included! So if you wanna go out, utilize some resources and GO. That's what I do when I need to go somewhere and pooh pooh can't come with me (such as CLASS). I ask someone to babysit. It's really not that hard. I know what it's like to not be able to do what you want. I know how it feels to be unable to enjoy yourself because you are worried about your child. I know what a sacrifice is. But yall wouldn't know that, because you don't know ME. My bd and I don't get along AT ALL. Do you know what that means? Damn near every day, for the rest of my son's natural life, I am going to have to deal with a man that stresses me out, angers me, drives me crazy, and makes me wish I never met him. But a lot of women don't know what that feels like. See, they don't know what it's like to have someone trying to take custody of the child they carried for 9 months, with a complicated pregnancy I might add, and then birthed after hours of labor and a c-section. They don't know what it's like to be referred to as the "baby mama" when you know you are so much more than that. They don't understand how it feels to have almost NO SAY in what goes on in your child's life when he's with his daddy.

Now let me tell you something. The days I don't have my son, what am I doing? APPLYING FOR JOBS. GOING TO SCHOOL FULL TIME (know what that means? 3, sometimes four classes a day 4 days in a row!). COACHING CHEERLEADING. WORKING WITH KIDS. COMMUNITY SERVICE. DOING LAUNDRY. COOKING. WASHING & BOILING BOTTLES & PACIFIERS. CLEANING UP. BASICALLY TAKING CARE OF BUSINESS. MAKING SURE MY BABY IS UP TO DATE ON WIC AND IMMUNIZATIONS. MAKING APPOINTMENTS.

And it is an INSULT to me and any other single mother, to say that we don't have it as hard just because our children spend time with their fathers. Single means that you are not married. Am I married? No. Therefore, I AM A SINGLE MOM, whether you bitches like it or not. And you got life FUCKED UP if you even dare to think that my life is easier than yours, or that I don't work as hard as you. Believe that.

Random Thoughts...

I'm in the library right now. I've been up since 3 AM, and I wish I knew why. For whatever reason, I wake up in the middle of the night and can't go back to sleep. It's ridiculous... I laid in my bed for about 4.5 hours trying to fall asleep again. So I only got about 3 hours of sleep last night. I'm not cranky or anything... just really tired *yawn*

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately... about my life in general. I mean I guess I'm pretty happy, but I want more. I need a job. I need my license and a car. And I want to move out of my current apartment. I HATE IT! I would never, never advise anyone to live in my building. I'm happy that I stay by myself and that my parents pay for this apartment. But I'm ready to be more independent. I hate the fact that they try to control my every move. I'm a grown ass woman, I can do what I want. I want to be able to provide for my son. Right now, I can't do that. I feel like a failure. Knowing that he needs new clothes and I can't buy them. Having to listen to my parents complain when I ask them to buy me ONE PACK of diapers! ONE PACK in the past 10 months. I am so stressed out, it's ridiculous. I can't focus on school. I've been losing sleep and gaining weight. My blood pressure is higher than it's ever been. I went to the doctor a few days ago and she was concerned about my stress level, saying that stress is the basis for a lot of diseases. Ughhhhhh. If I just had a JOB, my stress level would be cut in half! I can't live like this. What kind of mother am I? I'm not proud of myself at all, in actuality, some days I feel like I hate myself. I know I can't do this much longer. I've tried to be patient and strong. I'm just going to keep praying. God has been opening doors and giving me signs these past few weeks. I know something big is going to happen; I know he has something in store for me! And it's coming soon. I can aactually FEEL it. My life is about to change. I've never felt like this before; I just know something is coming and I'm ready!!!!

*sigh* another lonely night. surprise, surprise. i dont even know what to do with myself, im starting to feel depressed and alone. i guess i have friends. but its not the same. i dont have a best friend anymore. no one to hang out with. i sit in my apt all day by myself, with no one to talk to and nothing to do. i feel like im reaching my breaking point. all i want is someone to chill with. im not trying to fall in love... i dont want a boyfriend. i dont want a relationship. i just want someone whose company i can enjoy. is that too much to ask?

im in chicago right now... i came to get away but i kind of wish i had stayed home. more on that later...

so im laying in my bed thinking about the horrible day i had yesterday and how unfair it all was. and i just keep asking myself, does he hate me that much? im a good BM. but im not gonna be one anymore. a lot of things are bout to change.

Rihanna & Chris Brown

http://omg.yahoo.com/news/lapd-detectives-affidavit-details-alleged-beating-by-chris-brown-of-rihanna/19660

Let me just say that BOTH of them disgust me - Rihanna moreso than Chris. I mean, yeah, he beat her up. And I would have been on her side, had she chosen to leave him. But she's going back to him! What?! How stupid can you be?

Rihanna, you are supposed to be a role model. And you're sending the message that it is perfectly acceptable for your boyfriend to beat on you, as long as he apologizes afterwards. *rolls eyes*

All I can say is, she must not love herself at all. Why would you stick around and put up with that? And in another article she says, "When he hits me, he's a beast." So... this isn't the first time this has happened, and probably not the second. I just don't get it. Women all over the world have stood up and spoken out against their husbands/boyfriends beating them up, all so that OUR generation wouldn't feel that we had to put up with it. And here goes this dummy, setting us back another few years. Women have left their husbands of 10 years! Men that they have KIDS with! Ugh, I just don't get it. She is weak and should be ashamed of herself. Later on down the road there will probably be another story of him hitting her and I'm not even going to care. Anything from here on out is her fault.

That article really pissed me off...

A Quick Thought

So today, my first love told me that I was HIS first love! I didn't know that... it made me feel good tho. It's nice to know that I was somebody's first experience with love, and I didn't ruin it for them. Lol.

Will add more to that later...

Where Did I Go?

I don't like the person I have become in the past few months. Cursing at everyone, being mean to my friends, ignoring everyone else's problems just because I'm hurt and sad. Rolling my eyes when people talk about love and thinking that half of them are stupid. I keep having these mood swings. One minute I'm fine and the next I'm mad over something small, and I can stay mad for days.

I don't even know who I am anymore. I was trying to become a BETTER person. But it seems like all the anger, sadness, and bitterness is holding me back. I feel like I can't shake it and I am destined to hurt forever. Dramatic much? I know... it's like I'm two different people. One day I want people to feel sorry for me and comfort me. The next I don't want to be bothered with anyone. The next I feel like the strongest, most confident woman on Earth. My doctor thinks I'm suffering from PPD. Um... I don't want to be a nutcase, lmao. I don't know, maybe I am depressed. I mean look at me - I'm all over the place. I can't even get my thoughts together long enough to write a decent entry. Although part of that may be because I've been up since 7:00 yesterday morning and have been suffering from a sinus infection for the past week. Sexy, right?

Somebody Once Told Me, "Your Anger Will be the Death of You..."

On January 3rd, 2009, I predicted that he would start dating this girl. He vehemently denied it but I knew it. Call it womens' intuition or whatever.

I have come to the conclusion that in order to really start getting over him, I have to get rid of this anger. I've tried writing.... it helps but the pain and rage is still there. So I'm going to take up kickboxing. I wish I could be like Keyshia Cole and just go to the gun range, lol.

I'm just SICK of this. It's like no matter what I do, I'm thinking about him. I just want to get out of here! I was offered a coaching position in New Zealand, lmao. I seriously thought about taking it but then I realized that was another country... but then I thought about it some more... and I decided that I would keep thinking about it.

I don't know what else to say right now. I just can't wait for my kickboxing class to start on Monday.

There's A First Time for Everything

And today is the first time in a long time that I have actually felt lonely. I almost forgot what this feels like. I am fully capable of being by myself without feeling sad or alone. But for some reason, it's different today. I am at home with my pooh and for some reason I wish I had someone to chill with. Like just to watch a movie or something. I know I'm not ready for a boyfriend though. HELL NO. I'm not trusting anybody with my heart for a long time. And I'm not about to be a good girlfriend to anyone either, I already know I wouldn't.

Part of me is hurting really bad today. Do you know that bastard had the nerve to tell me he wished he never met me? ME. Bitch, I'm the one that gave you the son you adore. You wish you never met me? Well how about I take you to court and take your son from you. Then you can pretend you never met me for real. That pissed me off. ME! He said that to ME. The only one who stuck by him when his family made fun of his dreams. The one who was there when his dad almost died. Not only was I there, but I stood outside in freezing cold weather for an HOUR waiting for the bus so I could go make sure he was okay. You know what, I don't even want to get into everything that I did for him. And he told me to go do something with MY LIFE. ...EXCUSE ME?

MR. I DON'T HAVE A JOB, NOR AM I IN SCHOOL, AND I STILL LIVE UP UNDER MY MAMA!

I am going to make him eat those fucking words. Believe that. Thanks for the motivation.

Everyone keeps saying kill him with kindness. Well, I've been trying that and I have been doing a good job. But I'm reaching my breaking point and I just want to kill him period! UGH!

Anyways. My blood pressure is getting high now, I need to relax. A lot of guys have been trying to talk to me lately. Ugh, I hate this. I can't stand to have boys all over me. I am a relationship person. If I'm with somebody, I'm with them... I don't talk to multiple boys at a time. At least not anymore, lol. I have met some nice guys but I'm not settling for nice anymore. I want a man. I have a picture in my head of what I want. And until I find him, I'm staying single.

It's Time...

So I have made the decision not to mention him in here anymore. Anyone who doesn't care about me is not worth any of my time.

Last night I had to go to the hospital. Long story short, I may have cervical cancer. I have to go see my ob/gyn next week, or sooner if I see fit. I'm scared. But not too scared, because if I did have it, it would be my fault. A couple years ago (yes, YEARS), my doctor said I had some abnormal cells in my nether region. I never went to get the second test because I couldn't afford it. Then when I got pregnant, my new ob/gyn said she also saw some abnormal cells, but I would have to wait until after I gave birth to get checked out again. So a few weeks after pooh was born, I got checked but I don't remember what she said. But I guess I'll know soon enough.

I have made the decision to become more aggressive with my business. I've been sitting back and just kinda goin with the flow. But this is my chance to be WEALTHY and I can't just let it pass me by. I can't! My son needs this. I can't let him down. And besides, I want custody of him.

Yes, I said it. The C word. His dad has shown me that he is not serious about his business or about taking care of his child. Every time I talk to him he is out partying somewhere, not making any money. And if the way he treats me is any indication of how he's going to treat MY BABY, I'm not about to let that happen. I should have filed those police reports when I had the chance.

So I have to get my life together. I might not even have much time left, as scary as that sounds. I can't worry about stupid ass anymore.

It's about me now, and I need to remember that.

Painful Memories

So today I was going thru some of my old documents, trying to see what I want to backup before I send my computer in to get repaired. And I found this conversation we had when I was in the hospital. Date: June 22, 2008.

HIM (11:28:57 PM): is it really a good chance u comin home 2morrow

ME (11:29:59 PM): i'll know tomorrow

ME (11:30:09 PM): i don't wanna get my hopes up since the doc didn't come in today

HIM (11:30:38 PM): yea

HIM (11:30:40 PM): thats tru

ME (11:31:38 PM): it would be nice

ME (11:31:53 PM): would u come get me

HIM (11:32:01 PM): yea

HIM (11:33:18 PM): y wouldn't i

ME (11:33:50 PM): i just didn't know if u would be able to that's all

ME (11:33:55 PM): i'm tired

HIM (11:34:59 PM): get u some rest baby

ME (11:35:50 PM): i don't want to

ME (11:35:52 PM): i miss you

HIM (11:37:39 PM): i miss u too mami

HIM (11:37:41 PM): i do

ME (11:38:48 PM): i hope u feel better... u gonna take some more medicine?

HIM (11:40:16 PM): im bout to take one last one

ME (11:41:47 PM): ok

ME (11:43:21 PM): i love u... i wish we could be together

ME (11:43:29 PM): i feel like ur far away lol

HIM (11:45:18 PM): its always good when we togethre at nite

ME (11:46:32 PM): i know

ME (11:46:37 PM): i miss that a lot

ME (11:46:52 PM): more than i thought i would

HIM (11:47:03 PM): y

ME (11:47:46 PM): i dunno... nothing really compares to falling asleep in ur arms

ME (11:47:57 PM): and waking up the same way

HIM (11:48:51 PM): yes.... i love it

ME (11:50:26 PM):

ME (11:51:13 PM): i keep thinkin bout the day when we don't have to leave each other and i can be in ur arms every night

HIM (11:52:40 PM): that day is comin

HIM (11:52:46 PM): i feel good about this move

HIM (11:52:51 PM): that penson did

HIM (11:52:57 PM): ron is a great recruiter

ME (11:53:10 PM): yeah

ME (11:55:19 PM): did u talk to carrie?

HIM (11:55:33 PM): no

ME (11:55:51 PM): she didn't answer?

HIM (11:55:53 PM): no

ME (11:56:01 PM): darn

ME (11:56:19 PM): well i'll give u this other girl's number after i talk to her tomorrow and try to set something up

HIM (11:56:36 PM): GUESS WHAT

HIM (11:56:42 PM): WE GOTTA DATE TOMORROW!!!!!!!!!!

ME (11:56:49 PM): with who

ME (11:56:52 PM): where we goin

HIM (11:56:57 PM): NO WHERE

HIM (11:57:01 PM): I SHOW U WHEN I GET THERE

ME (11:57:10 PM): no tell me now!

ME (11:57:14 PM): u might still be sick tomorrow!

ME (11:57:17 PM): i wanna know right now

HIM (11:57:21 PM): i'll be there

ME (11:57:38 PM): give me a hint

ME (12:01:04 AM): now!

HIM (12:04:30 AM): kanye song

HIM (12:04:41 AM): flashin lights

ME (12:04:51 AM): U KNOW I DON'T GET IT

ME (12:04:55 AM): !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

HIM (12:05:14 AM): well thats it

ME (12:05:22 AM):

HIM (12:06:05 AM): dorry

HIM (12:06:18 AM): sorry

ME (12:07:07 AM): i got ur sorry my friends

ME (12:07:11 AM): friend i mean

HIM (12:09:02 AM): lol

HIM (12:09:05 AM): ok

ME (12:09:45 AM): u sleepy

HIM (12:09:57 AM): yea a likl

HIM (12:09:59 AM): lil

ME (12:11:33 AM): what time u gettin up tomorrow

HIM (12:12:04 AM): 10 30

ME (12:12:20 AM): u got somethin to do?

HIM (12:13:28 AM): well... ron said that from 12-2 prospect and get 10 names and numb

ME (12:13:39 AM): u guys goin together

HIM (12:14:33 AM): not sure

HIM (12:14:37 AM): gotta ask him

HIM (12:15:02 AM): thn he said that we goin ova prospecting tomorro

HIM (12:15:05 AM): afta teh meeting

HIM (12:15:14 AM): so i think that may b tuesday/.. the 12-2 thing

ME (12:15:22 AM): oh ok

ME (12:18:59 AM): i think i need to go sit on the toilet

HIM (12:20:53 AM): muddy booty

ME (12:21:43 AM): i think so!

ME (12:21:47 AM): but i hope not

ME (12:24:10 AM): man i have a problem

HIM (12:25:26 AM): what is it

ME (12:26:30 AM): well i've been dating this guy for a while right... not a real long time, but a decent lil while

ME (12:27:40 AM): and every day i fall in love with him more but i'm scared to tell him

ME (12:27:45 AM): what u think i should do

HIM (12:27:51 AM): y u scared

ME (12:28:47 AM): i'm not used to being all soft and vulnerable and stuff... but i really want him to know how much i love him

HIM (12:31:00 AM): u wanna marry him

ME (12:32:10 AM): yes i do

ME (12:32:21 AM): and have his lil bighead rugrat babies

HIM (12:32:41 AM): how do u think he feels bout u

ME (12:33:29 AM): well i think he feels almost as strongly about me as i do about him... i know he really loves me & wants to marry me too

HIM (12:35:31 AM): so y can't u show him then if u wanna marry him and have his babies and he loves u two

HIM (12:35:59 AM): too

ME (12:36:57 AM): i guess it's just hard... i haven't opened up to anyone like that in a really long time

ME (12:37:05 AM): makes me nervous!

HIM (12:39:36 AM): well if u guys are spendind lives together

HIM (12:40:43 AM): don't u think he needs to see what he is geting

ME (12:41:49 AM): yes

HIM (12:42:05 AM): well u gotta go for it

ME (12:42:32 AM): i'm worried it might scare him away

HIM (12:42:42 AM): y

HIM (12:42:52 AM): if he wants to marry u

ME (12:43:16 AM): i just don't want to come on too strong

HIM (12:47:32 AM): how can u

ME (12:52:58 AM): hmm... i really don't know

HIM (12:54:32 AM): hmm

ME (12:56:04 AM): lol

ME (12:56:07 AM): i guess i can't

ME (12:58:10 AM): well thank u for helping me

HIM (12:58:12 AM): i c

ME (12:58:21 AM): i think i know what i should do now

HIM (12:58:47 AM): that is

ME (12:59:09 AM): tell my baby that i love him!

HIM (1:00:58 AM): good move

ME (1:02:26 AM): guess what

HIM (1:06:04 AM): que

ME (1:06:54 AM): te amo muchoooooooooooooooooo

ME (1:07:05 AM): oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

HIM (1:07:25 AM): love u 2

HIM (1:07:40 AM): THHHHHHHHHHHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIISSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS MMMMMUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

HIM (1:07:44 AM):

ME (1:08:47 AM): lol

ME (1:08:50 AM):

ME (1:08:58 AM): i take it u enjoyed my conversation

HIM (1:09:20 AM): yea

HIM (1:09:23 AM): interestining

ME (1:09:50 AM): how so

HIM (1:12:28 AM): cuz its nice to kno how u feel

ME (1:13:00 AM): it felt good to tell u

ME (1:13:39 AM): it was nice that u didn't freak out

HIM (1:13:50 AM): y would i

ME (1:14:13 AM): i didn't really think u would

ME (1:14:41 AM): i feel so much better now!

HIM (1:15:07 AM): y was it so hard

ME (1:16:13 AM): well... i don't know exactly

ME (1:16:27 AM): i just always felt like i couldn't do it... it was a real challenge

HIM (1:16:40 AM): y

ME (1:16:45 AM): but i told myself i was gonna do it today no matter what

ME (1:17:01 AM): expressing my deepest feelings is just scary

HIM (1:20:14 AM): well we can get thru it together

ME (1:21:11 AM): it's not scary to u?

HIM (1:21:41 AM): we can't b scared

ME (1:22:45 AM): well

ME (1:23:05 AM): i think it's only fair that u share some of ur deepest feelings then

ME (1:29:44 AM):

ME (1:31:51 AM): are u sleep!

HIM (1:31:58 AM): sorry

ME (1:32:10 AM): oh

HIM (1:32:16 AM): well

ME (1:32:18 AM): i thought u passed out like u usually do

HIM (1:32:19 AM): i got one for u

ME (1:32:27 AM): ok i'm ready

HIM (1:34:15 AM): u been here

HIM (1:34:36 AM): thru it all

HIM (1:34:37 AM): even tho i ain't got nothin

HIM (1:34:54 AM): i am so in love with u

HIM (1:35:00 AM): n e one who gives me that much

HIM (1:35:07 AM): i wanna give u the worlf

HIM (1:35:09 AM): world

HIM (1:35:17 AM): on a a platinum platter

ME (1:36:35 AM): awww

ME (1:36:41 AM): i'm blushing!!

ME (1:38:54 AM): u don't ever worry that i'm gonna leave, do u?

HIM (1:39:02 AM): no

ME (1:39:40 AM): good

HIM (1:40:10 AM): u believe me

HIM (1:40:12 AM): i love u for that

ME (1:40:44 AM): of course i do

ME (1:40:51 AM): ur amazingly wonderful!

HIM (1:45:06 AM): thanx for feeling that way

HIM (1:46:31 AM): how u feelin

ME (1:46:45 AM): i feel okay

ME (1:46:51 AM): sleepy

ME (1:47:12 AM): missing the most wonderful man ever

ME (1:51:45 AM): what about u

HIM (1:52:12 AM): same way

HIM (1:59:02 AM): my neck hurts

ME (2:00:34 AM): u wanna go to bed?

And I also found this, from Nov 10, 07.
Hey baby... I kno u not there... Im thinkin bout u. I want u to kno that Im prayin for u. My lil mama gotta get better and back on her feet. I got somethin for u when we get back togethe... i kno u wanna kno what it is... due to the circumstances i will tell u. Me and u are gonna cuddle.... ima hold that soft body of urs o so tight... we can sleep and dream together... i want to rub ur body where u say it hurts... i'll b there to comfort u baby... i kno its tuff but we can get thru... with God's good grace and mercy. U kno somethin... i h8 it when u hurt... i feel some of it... cuz i worry bout u... like 2day... b4 u called me and told whas up at the hospital.. i was so worried.. all i could do is say.. i wish she hurry and call.... im not mad.. just worried. my hottmama gon b ok. theres a big kiss waitin on u pretty lady. i want u to come home to get it. ur pretty face is missed. i hope this makes u smile. can't wait to my sexi mam... get better.. c ya soon


I know I shouldn't dwell on this stuff. But how did we go from that, to hating each other? To be honest, it just makes me want to cry. But I'm done crying. I'll allow myself to be sad about how all this happened, but I refuse to cry. It's moments like this that I want my friends to see. They don't understand that I had a legitimate reason to try to get back with him.

Anyways... all that is over with now. I have to stop letting myself go backwards. I believe there was a reason that God brought this conversation to my attention, but I have no idea what that reason may be. In the midst of tears welling up in my eyes, there were parts that made me laugh or smile. I miss those days so much. This is hard for me but I'm hoping that it will get easier.