I Can't Keep Doing This...

I don't even know where to begin with this post. I have a lot on my mind today.

Well, I guess this passage sums it all up:

I am talking about soul mates. The relationship may be challenged, and it may even be betrayed, but when it is all over, you still have the only person you really want to talk to, the one who makes you laugh. ... A healthy relationship has diversity. It continually changes... Passion may come and go, hard times may make you falter, but through it all you are friends. The truth of the matter is we all will face conflicts, but when we do, if we are joined by the same Father, we will easily be corrected.

These words hit home for me. At the end of the day, I'm not thinking about anyone else. And when we are around each other, it's like... I can't explain. But I know he feels the same thing. But I messed up really bad and I also know that he is scared to give his heart to me again. I'm trying to prove to him that he can trust me.

It's not enough that I believe in us. There was a point in time where I wasn't in love with him anymore either. And it lasted for about 2 months... maybe 3... but I didn't say anything. I didn't give up. I kept holding on and my feelings came back, and I loved him more than before. I stopped because of something he said to his ex. And even tho I had told him about it, he didn't apologize and he thought it was okay. I just wanted him to be sorry for hurting me. But he wasn't, and I felt betrayed. But I said to myself, "You know what, in the long run, this doesn't matter. I'm going to be with him for the rest of my life, and this isn't that serious." Even when we fought, I never - NEVER - thought that we weren't meant to be together. I thought it was hard, like all relationships. I thought it would take work, like all relationships. I thought we would get past it as we grew older and wiser. Relationships aren't easy. Everybody on Earth knows that! And everyone knows that sometimes, you will have BIG problems that test your relationship. But when you love someone, you pass those tests, no matter what it takes. You suck it up, grit your teeth, tighten your fists, and fight. That's what you do. You fight against the feelings that you're not meant to be. You fight against Satan trying to come between you. He's only doing it because he knows God has something amazing planned for the two of you. MLK, Jr. once said, "Faith is taking the first step even when you don't see the whole staircase." Yeah, it may look rough right now. But that doesn't mean you give up after 2 months of hardship. Or even 3 months. Sometimes it can take years to fix a problem in a relationship. But you know what happens after the fight? You revel in victory. I've always been a competitor and a fighter. I never give up. I fight to the death, especially when I believe in something. I'm optimistic. I see the good in EVERYTHING. I always believe any negative event can have a positive outcome. And he always used to talk about how much he liked that about me, because he wasn't like that.

These are the thoughts that hold me back. The wondering, the "what ifs," and how unfair it all is. How unfair that I am willing to give it another chance because I know it would be different. How unfair that he doesn't even want it to be good again. Sometimes I come here and read what I wrote, and I can't believe I'm really saying all that stuff. I'm trying to be strong. But I am crushed. I've never been like this before. I always seem to get over the hurt. But it's different this time. I feel so beat down. I feel betrayed and I feel worthless. Every day is a little more difficult. I miss him a lot... there are days where I wish he was just here watching TV with me or something. But yesterday we were talking and he said "you act like I'm already dating her." So of course I took that to mean he isn't dating her YET, but he's planning on doing it in the future. Might be true, but it probly isn't. I trust him and I believe everything he tells me. Even if one of my friends came to me and said they saw him doing something, I wouldn't believe it. But it's all in the way he worded it. It hurts that he doesn't return these feelings. It hurts that he'd rather hang out with her than with me, and it hurts that he doesn't miss me at all.

Everyone says they want love. And I'm offering him the best of me. I don't even want this for me anymore. I want it for him. I want to give him the best love of his life. I already know that nobody will love him as much as I do. I will do whatever it takes. Anything. ANYTHING. And I don't want him to give up on me. I want this to be a break. Not a break up. Once upon a time I was the best thing that ever happened to him. I was the most wonderful, incredible woman he had ever dated and I want him to feel that way again. I was his baby. And I lit up like a Christmas tree when he called me that last night. If he would just give me one last chance, I know I could be the woman of his dreams again. I truly feel that he is my soulmate and I can't give up. I talk about it all the time bc this is what's in my heart. It's all I think about.

Letting Go of My Beliefs

I have come to the conclusion that if I want to be happy, I need to stop believing that he and I were meant to be. But if you have ever truly believed in something, then you know how hard it is to let go just because someone says it's not true.

How do I do that, though? How do I convince myself that everything I believed in was a lie? I have absolutely NO idea. It's not like I'm being stubborn and I just REFUSE to give in. This is really how I feel. Even when I try to tell myself that it's stupid and that I need to give up. There is something in me that keeps telling me not to give in. But I don't see why I shouldn't. All signs point to GIVE UP.

Now that I think about it, I know why I feel this way. I have seen my friends tell their boyfriends they hate them and wish they were dead. I have seen my friends' boyfriends do foul shit. I have seen a lot of things that I won't mention in here. But you know what comes after that? LOVE! Unbreakable, unstoppable, unforgettable, unconditional love.

So it is hard for me to give up, seeing all that. But I have to remind myself that he didn't have that kind of love for me, so it's not the same. It doesn't matter how I felt about him. I could be willing to love him until the end of time but if he doesn't feel that way, then I can't compare us to other couples. He would be hurt if he saw this, or if I told him this. But it's always hard when people tell you about yourself. I'm not saying he didn't love me AT ALL. I'm not saying that! I know he loved me. And I know he loved me a whole lot. I amconfident in the way he used to feel about me, and if someone was to say he never loved me, I would set them straight. But there's a difference in loving someone a lot, and loving them unconditionally.

Wow, talk about a revelation. I guess I never thought about it that way. But now that I know that, I think it will be easier for me to move on. It's a sad truth to accept, but it's the truth nonetheless.

Healing Words

I keep reading the e-mail he sent me. It's sad, but at the same time it makes me feel really special, knowing that I'm the only one he's done that for. It made me feel better about some things. I was wondering if he had forgot how good it used to be and if he thought I had always been a bad girlfriend, but it's nice to know he didn't.

So... how do I start this journey to happiness? I'm just going to continue doing the things I love. I'ma continue to better myself. I say "I" a lot, but that's because it's all about ME right now. Guys have approached me lately, some new and some old. Actually, it's funny because ALL of my exes have tried to talk to me within the past 2 days. The one that cheated on me with my best friend (at the time)... he sent me a message talking about how he missed me and he wants to see me when he's back in town. WHAT? And my ex that lives in Chicago, we've been talking a lot. We were on the phone for 4 hours a few nights ago. But nothing is happening there. DEFINITELY not. Just two old friends getting to know each other again. I sure as hell am not ready for a relationship. We've always been really close and we kinda lost it when he started dating his last girlfriend. But one thing I can say about him is that he never hurt me, and he says I'm the only girl that's never hurt him. So no bad history there, which is nice. So... I'm gonna go see him soon... not sure when. He wants to see the baby. I'm gonna stay with one of my girlfriends who is also from Chicago.

I miss my friends so much. I don't have a lot of friends here and I miss having people to hang out with. But I am happy that I can be alone, without being lonely. Not many people can do that.

Moving On

I e-mailed him back, and we got everything out in the open. We talked and it was nice, but I'm glad to be done with it. I have come to the conclusion that I don't care anymore. He can do what he wants with his life, cuz that's what I'm doing with mine.

I know what kind of girlfriend I was. And I know what kind of person I am. I know that I am a treasure and I'm not going to sit here depressed over ANY man. Because at the end of the day, that's what he is - a man. Like he said, I deserve someone who loves me as much as I love them.

Someday I will find that person, but for now, I am focusing on MY happiness and mine alone. I'm done worrying about if he's dating or what he's doing with his life. Because I know that he will never find anyone who loves him the way I did. He wants to be single and go see what else is out there, that's fine with me. But by the time he realizes I was the best thing that ever happened to him, I'll be loving someone who didn't have to lose me to figure that out. I'm not about to sit here and think about him all day long. I refuse. Thinking about him makes me angry. Angry to the point of tears. But I'm not going to dwell on that. I'm not about to sit here and keep asking myself, why this & why that. I don't care anymore!

I deserve better. I deserve someone who truly loves me. I know what I want. I want a man who is going to love me regardless of the fights and who isn't going to give up on me. If you can fall out of love with me, you never really loved me in the first place. And it's a shame that I had to get my heart broken like this, but it's just another learning experience.

I can't WAIT to find the man that God has for me. Part of me still feels like it was supposed to be him. But whatever. I'm not about to sit here and waste my feelings on anybody. I'm saving these for the man who deserves them.

I don't want to make it seem like he was some kind of terrible person. He was really a great boyfriend, until our son was born. He couldn't handle it. We were arguing and fighting a lot, and he gave up. I wrote him a lot of love letters trying to convince him that we could make this work. But he didn't want it.

You know what, I love myself. I love myself so much, that I'm not about to SIT HERE and watch myself HURT. No way in hell am I about to let that happen. I have my whole life ahead of me. I cried my tears and said my prayers. I'm DONE. I am a beautiful 21 year old woman with a beautiful son. I am a full-time student, I'm working on owning my own business, I have my own place, and I'm about to buy a car. I'm a strong, loving, selfless, and good-hearted person. I am a rare gem, and anyone who can't see that isn't worth any of my time. Don't get me wrong - I know I have my flaws. But I'm also smart enough to know that people change. I know that the flaws I have now, are not going to be here in the future. I have a picture in my head of the woman I am becoming. And I am so eager to meet her... man, if everybody could see what I see! I'm not gonna lie, a part of me STILL wants him back and a part of me feels like he is my soulmate. But I'm going to kill that part of me if it's the last thing I do.

At first I was going to take the easy way out and just say I would never love again. I was jealous of all my friends and I hated everyone who was getting married and finding happiness. But I don't want to be that person. I want to be happy for everyone. But I can't be happy for them, until I'm happy for myself. So that's what I'm working on. It's easy for me to just say I hate him and I wish I never met him. Yes, I felt that way at one point. But I'm not going to let Satan steal my joy just because ONE MAN doesn't want me. I'm not going to let him make me feel like I'm worthless! I am a child of God. And there is no way I should be acting like that, knowing that I belong to him.

It's time for me to stop doing this to myself. Yesterday was the last time I cried. I'm not doing that ANYMORE! My life has just begun, and it's time for me to take the first step on this journey. Time to close the door on him and everything we had, because I know something better is in store. Opportunity will be knocking at another door soon. And I'm not going to miss it because I'm too busy crying over the last door that closed. No, I will be ready. I WILL BE READY!

Wow.

Talk about irony. The day after I start this blog, he sends me a 6 page e-mail. It wasn't good or bad, it was just about his feelings. But that messed me up. I haven't cried in a while. And as soon as I started reading, it was like nothing had changed. I don't want to be this way. I'm not going to keep crying all the time. I just want to get over him.

It hurts because so many times I asked him for this. And now, out of nowhere, here it is. Right after I convinced myself I didn't need it.

Now my brain is like !!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I don't even know what to do right now. I don't want to feel pain ANYMORE. I just want to be happy. Is that too much to ask?

First Post

...but one thing I do, forgetting those things which are behind and reaching forward to those things which are ahead, I press toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus. Phil. 3:13-14

I really mean that. I will NOT mention the past in here. I'm moving on, and this blog will be about my journey to becoming a woman of excellence, love, strength, and virtuosity! I absolutely cannot wait to see what God has in store for me. I'm ready to be happy :)

So much has happened over the past... 20 months. And I want to learn from it. I don't want to go back to being the girl I used to be - heartless, careless, mean, just an overall bitch. This time, I want a positive outcome from the heartbreak. The book I'm reading - The Lady, Her Lover, and Her Lord - is AWESOME. I am learning so much!! And I'm not even halfway through it yet. But I'm already changing. I'm learning to fall in love with myself. I've never been one to have low self-esteem or anything like that. But being confident isn't the same as actually LOVING myself. Taking care of myself and putting ME first sometimes. So I have already decided to spend Valentine's Day doing just that. I'm going to order in, make myself a warm bubble bath, light some candles and incense... I'm excited just thinking about it. I don't want to be with anyone else. I probably won't even talk to anybody that night.

Lately I have been feeling like... death is upon me. And it was a really scary feeling. I was always watching my back and looking around corners and stuff. Just being really... I can't think of the word right now. But you know when you always think something bad is about to happen to you? That's it. Then today, I came to the realization that death IS upon me. But not in a bad way. The old me is dying. I can literally FEEL a change coming. Like when there's the smell of rain in the air. I'm just awaiting the moment where I come out of my cocoon a beautiful butterfly. I am more than ready to be the woman God has called me to be. My life is going to change, and I can't wait!