Friendship

What is a best friend, anyway? I would like to hear people's thoughts on that, because I've been struggling with it lately. My true friends are like my family. Anyone else is PROBABLY an unnecessary stress in my life.

That being said, I always thought a friend was someone you can be real with, and they can be real with you also. After being hurt by an ex-friend a long time ago, I decided that I didn't need any new people in my life. People came and went, blah blah blah, but to be honest, the friends I have now are the same ones I've had ALL MY LIFE. I haven't made a new friend in 4 years! That's crazy, isn't it? Maybe not. My BEST FRIENDS, aka my brothers & sisters, have been my friends since middle school. So you know it's real. I don't play when it comes to them, and they don't play when it comes to me. We have our ups and downs, but a true friendship can survive anything, just like a true romantic relationship.

So this past year I made the mistake of trying to make friends. It was great at first! I loved, and still love the girls I met. But somewhere along the line, people's egos got in the way. Let me tell you something.... it is not good to think you can cut off everybody who says something mean or wrong to you. Because some of those people are the ones who have your best interest at heart. I feel that people put themselves on pedestals. They think they don't ever say or do anything wrong. They think they don't ever hurt their friends, so they expect their friends never to hurt them. But in reality, friends hurt each other. That's the bottom line. Husbands and wives hurt each other. If you can expect and get over hurt from the person you want to spend every day of your life with, then you can certainly get over being hurt by a friend - especially if that friend didn't do anything seriously wrong.

Now here's the problem I have. Some of your friends call themselves being "real." All that really means is, they say what they want and think they can get away with it. This is because they have ENABLERS in their lives. People that are scared to stand up to them and tell them that they are wrong. Now see, I'm not one of those people. I don't care if you're the biggest bully on the playground. If you're wrong, I'ma let you know. But the thing about a bully is, they can dish out the "realness," but they can't take it when somebody starts being REAL with them! Confused? Let me explain.

The bully needs to be taken down a notch. Somebody has to stand up to them and say "You can't do that. That's wrong." Unfortunately, the bully is used to having his/her way and therefore does not accept the fact that they are wrong. So you know what they do? They say, "No, YOU'RE wrong and I'm not going to listen to you anymore." And some of us have friends like that. Friends that don't want to hear the truth about themselves and don't want people pointing out their flaws. But those are the exact same friends that will be brutally honest with us and not have a second thought about it.

I don't put up with that. If you have a problem with me, fine, come tell me about it and we can talk. But if you're going to run away and decide we can't be friends when I have a problem with you, shut your mouth. "Treat others the way you want to be treated." Right?

Check Yourself FIRST...

So... .you know somebody cheated on their boyfriend. Yet, you were messing with dude while he was with ol girl. Therefore, you are not entitled to say anything or pass judgment on anybody. Not only that, but your man is cheating on you. Get your life together before you start talking shit about anyone else. That's all I'm saying.

I Guess a "Baby Daddy" is a Nice Problem to Have...

**DISCLAIMER: HARSH LANGUAGE!!**

NOT!!!!!! I am SO SICK of other single mothers complaining that mothers like me, whose child spends time with their BD, don't have it as hard as they do. Excuse me? You know NOTHING about my life. Sure, your kid's dad may not be around. But hey, that was your decision. Don't run around sleeping with men you don't know and MAYBE you wouldn't have the problem of him running out on his child! Ever think of that? My ex and I were together for a while, so I was never really concerned about him leaving once the munchkin was born. Not only that, but we talked about it numerous times and I knew he wasn't the type of man to leave his child. Can you say the same about the random man you had sex with? Or the man you TRAPPED just because you wanted a baby? Women need to think about things like that. You can't expect a man to stick around just because you're pregnant, especially if you don't even know him. He does not care about you OR that precious baby growing inside of you! Sorry! Not my fault! Not only that, but there are plenty of ways to get a break from your child when you want one. Family, friends, babysitters, day care, and a nice little website called CARE.COM where you can find someone to watch your child, background check and references included! So if you wanna go out, utilize some resources and GO. That's what I do when I need to go somewhere and pooh pooh can't come with me (such as CLASS). I ask someone to babysit. It's really not that hard. I know what it's like to not be able to do what you want. I know how it feels to be unable to enjoy yourself because you are worried about your child. I know what a sacrifice is. But yall wouldn't know that, because you don't know ME. My bd and I don't get along AT ALL. Do you know what that means? Damn near every day, for the rest of my son's natural life, I am going to have to deal with a man that stresses me out, angers me, drives me crazy, and makes me wish I never met him. But a lot of women don't know what that feels like. See, they don't know what it's like to have someone trying to take custody of the child they carried for 9 months, with a complicated pregnancy I might add, and then birthed after hours of labor and a c-section. They don't know what it's like to be referred to as the "baby mama" when you know you are so much more than that. They don't understand how it feels to have almost NO SAY in what goes on in your child's life when he's with his daddy.

Now let me tell you something. The days I don't have my son, what am I doing? APPLYING FOR JOBS. GOING TO SCHOOL FULL TIME (know what that means? 3, sometimes four classes a day 4 days in a row!). COACHING CHEERLEADING. WORKING WITH KIDS. COMMUNITY SERVICE. DOING LAUNDRY. COOKING. WASHING & BOILING BOTTLES & PACIFIERS. CLEANING UP. BASICALLY TAKING CARE OF BUSINESS. MAKING SURE MY BABY IS UP TO DATE ON WIC AND IMMUNIZATIONS. MAKING APPOINTMENTS.

And it is an INSULT to me and any other single mother, to say that we don't have it as hard just because our children spend time with their fathers. Single means that you are not married. Am I married? No. Therefore, I AM A SINGLE MOM, whether you bitches like it or not. And you got life FUCKED UP if you even dare to think that my life is easier than yours, or that I don't work as hard as you. Believe that.

Random Thoughts...

I'm in the library right now. I've been up since 3 AM, and I wish I knew why. For whatever reason, I wake up in the middle of the night and can't go back to sleep. It's ridiculous... I laid in my bed for about 4.5 hours trying to fall asleep again. So I only got about 3 hours of sleep last night. I'm not cranky or anything... just really tired *yawn*

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately... about my life in general. I mean I guess I'm pretty happy, but I want more. I need a job. I need my license and a car. And I want to move out of my current apartment. I HATE IT! I would never, never advise anyone to live in my building. I'm happy that I stay by myself and that my parents pay for this apartment. But I'm ready to be more independent. I hate the fact that they try to control my every move. I'm a grown ass woman, I can do what I want. I want to be able to provide for my son. Right now, I can't do that. I feel like a failure. Knowing that he needs new clothes and I can't buy them. Having to listen to my parents complain when I ask them to buy me ONE PACK of diapers! ONE PACK in the past 10 months. I am so stressed out, it's ridiculous. I can't focus on school. I've been losing sleep and gaining weight. My blood pressure is higher than it's ever been. I went to the doctor a few days ago and she was concerned about my stress level, saying that stress is the basis for a lot of diseases. Ughhhhhh. If I just had a JOB, my stress level would be cut in half! I can't live like this. What kind of mother am I? I'm not proud of myself at all, in actuality, some days I feel like I hate myself. I know I can't do this much longer. I've tried to be patient and strong. I'm just going to keep praying. God has been opening doors and giving me signs these past few weeks. I know something big is going to happen; I know he has something in store for me! And it's coming soon. I can aactually FEEL it. My life is about to change. I've never felt like this before; I just know something is coming and I'm ready!!!!