Too Good of A Friend

Ask any of my friends about me and they'll tell you I'm a great listener. I'm not saying that to brag, it's just the truth. I can be on the phone with someone for hours and not say more than "really? cool. oh, okay." Soooo naturally when my friends want to vent, they call me. And I'm ALWAYS there. Every single time, no questions asked. I've never told anyone I don't feel like hearing their whining or complaining, even though I feel that way sometimes. I just listen. If I have advice to offer, then I'll do that, but most of the time I don't have to. What can I say, I'm friendly! I love to talk to & be there for people. So... where am I going with this?

In the past few weeks, only ONE person has asked me what's new in my life. And that was yesterday. And I think it's really sad that out of all the times I've stayed on the phone with people for HOURS (or online, or even hung out with them in person just to hear them complain), like i don't have anything better to do, nobody thinks to ask me how I'M doing at the end of the conversation. This is why I keep my feelings to myself. Because I truly feel that nobody really cares. And I'm not sad or bitter about it, that's just how I feel. *shrugs*

I enjoy helping my friends when I can. And I like that whenever my friends need to talk, I'm the first one they run to. But it would be nice if someone would return the favor every once in a while.

Now let's see how many ppl suddenly care after reading this...

Positivity

I have so much on my mind today. I feel like I need to write this... not just for yall, but for myself. I pretty much had a morning from hell, but I've bounced back! I've learned so much about staying positive, like how to do it and why it's ESSENTIAL. Your mindset determines your lifestyle. If you say "I'm having a bad day" just because you had a bad morning, then guess what? Your day will suck. But if you can say "My morning was bad, but the rest of my day won't be," then you can change your whole day. That's something I really love about myself... the fact that I can be positive and optimistic about almost any situation. But it's not just me. It's my faith in God. I have to believe that my situations will work out for the better. If not, I would be depressed. And after 7 months of postpartum depression, I refuse to let myself get that low again. I just can't do it. I can't mope about my situations or anyone else's. Staying positive is the only way I can survive out here.

But that goes for you too. Nobody's life is perfect, but how often do we really sit back and think about how blessed we are? We are constantly being tested. How often do we pass? How often do we let Satan get the victory as we scream and cry in defeat, and forget about who is really in control? Is there anything too hard for GOD? I don't think so.

If the source of our joy is an everlasting God, then how do we allow it to run out? It's not possible. No situation or person should be able to take our joy from us. That's why a positive mindset is so important. It's natural to have negative feelings, but once you pray, those negative feelings should be long gone. Nothing good comes of negative energy. Nothing good comes of negative energy. Sometimes the only way to get thru a situation is to remind yourself that everything will be okay. Too often we wait for something extraordinary to happen before we say, "I won't let anything ruin this day!!" Like getting a job, getting married, whatever. But why can't we feel that way every day?

Now I'm not saying we should just forget about the reality of our bad situations. But I am saying that it is possible to remain positive in the midst of a hurricane. I promise you that. People look at me and say I can stay positive because nothing bad has happened to me. I guess a complicated pregnancy, difficult delivery, postpartum depression, not having a job for nearly 2 years, going to school full time during my entire pregnancy and the rest of the time thereafter, being ostracized by my family, getting my heart broken, a horrible cancer scare and almost going to jail for a year isn't bad enough. And when I say my heart was BROKEN, you wouldn't believe the pain that caused me. Check out my old posts or ask me for a post from my old blog and maybe then you'll understand. And this is all within the past 1.5 years. No, there haven't been any recent deaths in my family. No, I haven't battled any major illnesses. But I would say I've been thru my share of hard times. This is exactly why positivity is so important to me. You can't let every single bad situation break you down. You can't faint. You have to get back up and you have to face the enemy! What if I had let every single one of those situations break me down? Where would I be right now? Yeah, it hurt. The pain will be there. We have to be survivors. Emotional pain hurts more than physical pain at times. But we can't let the pain in our hearts override God's position in our souls. We have to TRUST him. That's where positivity comes from - faith and trust in God. And that is so important... the bible tells us that "if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, 'Move from here to there' and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you." WHAT?! And you want to sit there and believe that your situation is the end of the world? Nah... I don't think so. He said nothing will be impossible. NOTHING. But you know what else that means? If you truly, truly believe that you will fail, you will. So why put your faith in failure? Why take the easy way out? I don't know about you but my faith is in my success. I don't care how things look right now. God has shown me that things are not always what they seem. Life won't suck forever. Well, it will if you let it. But it's your life - take charge of it! Put a smile on your face and a prayer in your heart, and watch how your life changes.

One of Those DAYS!

I, Melanie H. Moore, am in one of my rare moods. I am having a horrendous day and I'm on the verge of tears. I am so frickin MAD!!!!!!!!!!!!! I just found out I failed BOTH of my bio tests that I studied extremely hard for. So now I have to take the class over again. That's great... real great. A whole summer wasted. Now my fall semester is ruined, my graduation is delayed YET ANOTHER SEMESTER... dreams deferred... I'm so ready to be done with school. I want to drop out. I'm being real... I'm not saying it because I'm mad, that's really how I feel. Every semester something goes wrong. I don't think school is for me... I just can't handle it. I can't, I can't, I can't.

Okay, I shouldn't say that. I can do all things thru Christ who strengthens me. But it's hard to stay motivated when you try your best and fall short every. single. time. This is stressing me out big time. My skin is breaking out, I can't sleep at night, I have mood swings, I get sick... it's too much for me! I was already stressed b/c I didn't have a job (finally got one, my first day @ Forever 21 is this Friday, thank you Jesus!). I guess I'll just have to suck it up and keep pushin. I'm not a quitter... never have been and never will be... something has to change, and I'ma figure out what it is. I can do this. I can, and I will. I may not graduate til 2015... BUT I WILL GRADUATE! That's a promise!

Let's switch gears...

So I thought I wanted a boyfriend, but I'm pretty sure I don't now. Tooooo stressful! I'ma just keep doin me... not worried about these dudes out here. I'ma stay single until I find someone who meets my standards. I'm not settling for anybody. Besides, I think being single is the best thing that ever happened to me. I'm getting to know myself so well! I fall more in love with me every day. I look around at a lot of my friends who are in relationships and they are soooo dependent on their boyfriends... I wonder if I was that way. I hope not. It truly makes me shake my head sometimes, the way these girls have to be up under their man every single second. How they have to call them for the slightest thing... how they can't do things unless their man says so. "Baby, I have a headache, what should I do?" Um, go to the cabinet and get some pills you co-dependent freak! What if your man isn't there? Then what? Anyways... that's a whole different blog. Even tho I like being single, I do get lonely sometimes. But that's when I pray, lol. It helps... it's a lot better than sitting there moping. Can't do that, I'm not bout to sit around and be depressed all day long. Sorry! I have become such an emotionally strong person. The downside to that is, I get frustrated when people cry over little stuff. Lmao. Like... sometimes my friends will be crying and I'm like, what the hell is wrong with you? If you don't suck it up and grow some BALLS! Like ASAP! I'm a female but I don't cry much. I don't believe being a female is an excuse to be a weak ass crybaby! Maybe if you are a child, but I'm a woman. I ain't got time for that. Crying is for people who can't come up with solutions and who don't have faith that God will work out their situation. When is the last time bawling your eyes out changed your situation? It's stressful, it's painful, it makes you choke and gag, it makes your eyes puffy and your face all red... I am far too fine for all that bs! There are two things that have the power to make me cry: School and my son. That's it. I can't remember the last time I really, really cried... probably back in January or February when I thought my life was falling apart because my boyfriend broke up with me. Doesn't that sound ridiculous? I'm definitely not that girl anymore. That relationship was a learning experience and life as a single woman is an even more interesting one. Things just don't affect me the same way anymore. I can't quite put my finger on the reason why... but I love that about myself. Shit happens... sometimes life sucks... oh well! We all have to deal with it. If you're not gonna figure out a plan to get you out of the mess you're in, then there's no point in complaining.

Anyways... I'm hungry now. I'm still mad but I feel better... I might go eat and take a nap. That's what I do instead of crying, lmao.

Friendship

What is a best friend, anyway? I would like to hear people's thoughts on that, because I've been struggling with it lately. My true friends are like my family. Anyone else is PROBABLY an unnecessary stress in my life.

That being said, I always thought a friend was someone you can be real with, and they can be real with you also. After being hurt by an ex-friend a long time ago, I decided that I didn't need any new people in my life. People came and went, blah blah blah, but to be honest, the friends I have now are the same ones I've had ALL MY LIFE. I haven't made a new friend in 4 years! That's crazy, isn't it? Maybe not. My BEST FRIENDS, aka my brothers & sisters, have been my friends since middle school. So you know it's real. I don't play when it comes to them, and they don't play when it comes to me. We have our ups and downs, but a true friendship can survive anything, just like a true romantic relationship.

So this past year I made the mistake of trying to make friends. It was great at first! I loved, and still love the girls I met. But somewhere along the line, people's egos got in the way. Let me tell you something.... it is not good to think you can cut off everybody who says something mean or wrong to you. Because some of those people are the ones who have your best interest at heart. I feel that people put themselves on pedestals. They think they don't ever say or do anything wrong. They think they don't ever hurt their friends, so they expect their friends never to hurt them. But in reality, friends hurt each other. That's the bottom line. Husbands and wives hurt each other. If you can expect and get over hurt from the person you want to spend every day of your life with, then you can certainly get over being hurt by a friend - especially if that friend didn't do anything seriously wrong.

Now here's the problem I have. Some of your friends call themselves being "real." All that really means is, they say what they want and think they can get away with it. This is because they have ENABLERS in their lives. People that are scared to stand up to them and tell them that they are wrong. Now see, I'm not one of those people. I don't care if you're the biggest bully on the playground. If you're wrong, I'ma let you know. But the thing about a bully is, they can dish out the "realness," but they can't take it when somebody starts being REAL with them! Confused? Let me explain.

The bully needs to be taken down a notch. Somebody has to stand up to them and say "You can't do that. That's wrong." Unfortunately, the bully is used to having his/her way and therefore does not accept the fact that they are wrong. So you know what they do? They say, "No, YOU'RE wrong and I'm not going to listen to you anymore." And some of us have friends like that. Friends that don't want to hear the truth about themselves and don't want people pointing out their flaws. But those are the exact same friends that will be brutally honest with us and not have a second thought about it.

I don't put up with that. If you have a problem with me, fine, come tell me about it and we can talk. But if you're going to run away and decide we can't be friends when I have a problem with you, shut your mouth. "Treat others the way you want to be treated." Right?

Check Yourself FIRST...

So... .you know somebody cheated on their boyfriend. Yet, you were messing with dude while he was with ol girl. Therefore, you are not entitled to say anything or pass judgment on anybody. Not only that, but your man is cheating on you. Get your life together before you start talking shit about anyone else. That's all I'm saying.

I Guess a "Baby Daddy" is a Nice Problem to Have...

**DISCLAIMER: HARSH LANGUAGE!!**

NOT!!!!!! I am SO SICK of other single mothers complaining that mothers like me, whose child spends time with their BD, don't have it as hard as they do. Excuse me? You know NOTHING about my life. Sure, your kid's dad may not be around. But hey, that was your decision. Don't run around sleeping with men you don't know and MAYBE you wouldn't have the problem of him running out on his child! Ever think of that? My ex and I were together for a while, so I was never really concerned about him leaving once the munchkin was born. Not only that, but we talked about it numerous times and I knew he wasn't the type of man to leave his child. Can you say the same about the random man you had sex with? Or the man you TRAPPED just because you wanted a baby? Women need to think about things like that. You can't expect a man to stick around just because you're pregnant, especially if you don't even know him. He does not care about you OR that precious baby growing inside of you! Sorry! Not my fault! Not only that, but there are plenty of ways to get a break from your child when you want one. Family, friends, babysitters, day care, and a nice little website called CARE.COM where you can find someone to watch your child, background check and references included! So if you wanna go out, utilize some resources and GO. That's what I do when I need to go somewhere and pooh pooh can't come with me (such as CLASS). I ask someone to babysit. It's really not that hard. I know what it's like to not be able to do what you want. I know how it feels to be unable to enjoy yourself because you are worried about your child. I know what a sacrifice is. But yall wouldn't know that, because you don't know ME. My bd and I don't get along AT ALL. Do you know what that means? Damn near every day, for the rest of my son's natural life, I am going to have to deal with a man that stresses me out, angers me, drives me crazy, and makes me wish I never met him. But a lot of women don't know what that feels like. See, they don't know what it's like to have someone trying to take custody of the child they carried for 9 months, with a complicated pregnancy I might add, and then birthed after hours of labor and a c-section. They don't know what it's like to be referred to as the "baby mama" when you know you are so much more than that. They don't understand how it feels to have almost NO SAY in what goes on in your child's life when he's with his daddy.

Now let me tell you something. The days I don't have my son, what am I doing? APPLYING FOR JOBS. GOING TO SCHOOL FULL TIME (know what that means? 3, sometimes four classes a day 4 days in a row!). COACHING CHEERLEADING. WORKING WITH KIDS. COMMUNITY SERVICE. DOING LAUNDRY. COOKING. WASHING & BOILING BOTTLES & PACIFIERS. CLEANING UP. BASICALLY TAKING CARE OF BUSINESS. MAKING SURE MY BABY IS UP TO DATE ON WIC AND IMMUNIZATIONS. MAKING APPOINTMENTS.

And it is an INSULT to me and any other single mother, to say that we don't have it as hard just because our children spend time with their fathers. Single means that you are not married. Am I married? No. Therefore, I AM A SINGLE MOM, whether you bitches like it or not. And you got life FUCKED UP if you even dare to think that my life is easier than yours, or that I don't work as hard as you. Believe that.

Random Thoughts...

I'm in the library right now. I've been up since 3 AM, and I wish I knew why. For whatever reason, I wake up in the middle of the night and can't go back to sleep. It's ridiculous... I laid in my bed for about 4.5 hours trying to fall asleep again. So I only got about 3 hours of sleep last night. I'm not cranky or anything... just really tired *yawn*

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately... about my life in general. I mean I guess I'm pretty happy, but I want more. I need a job. I need my license and a car. And I want to move out of my current apartment. I HATE IT! I would never, never advise anyone to live in my building. I'm happy that I stay by myself and that my parents pay for this apartment. But I'm ready to be more independent. I hate the fact that they try to control my every move. I'm a grown ass woman, I can do what I want. I want to be able to provide for my son. Right now, I can't do that. I feel like a failure. Knowing that he needs new clothes and I can't buy them. Having to listen to my parents complain when I ask them to buy me ONE PACK of diapers! ONE PACK in the past 10 months. I am so stressed out, it's ridiculous. I can't focus on school. I've been losing sleep and gaining weight. My blood pressure is higher than it's ever been. I went to the doctor a few days ago and she was concerned about my stress level, saying that stress is the basis for a lot of diseases. Ughhhhhh. If I just had a JOB, my stress level would be cut in half! I can't live like this. What kind of mother am I? I'm not proud of myself at all, in actuality, some days I feel like I hate myself. I know I can't do this much longer. I've tried to be patient and strong. I'm just going to keep praying. God has been opening doors and giving me signs these past few weeks. I know something big is going to happen; I know he has something in store for me! And it's coming soon. I can aactually FEEL it. My life is about to change. I've never felt like this before; I just know something is coming and I'm ready!!!!