Random Thoughts...

I'm in the library right now. I've been up since 3 AM, and I wish I knew why. For whatever reason, I wake up in the middle of the night and can't go back to sleep. It's ridiculous... I laid in my bed for about 4.5 hours trying to fall asleep again. So I only got about 3 hours of sleep last night. I'm not cranky or anything... just really tired *yawn*

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately... about my life in general. I mean I guess I'm pretty happy, but I want more. I need a job. I need my license and a car. And I want to move out of my current apartment. I HATE IT! I would never, never advise anyone to live in my building. I'm happy that I stay by myself and that my parents pay for this apartment. But I'm ready to be more independent. I hate the fact that they try to control my every move. I'm a grown ass woman, I can do what I want. I want to be able to provide for my son. Right now, I can't do that. I feel like a failure. Knowing that he needs new clothes and I can't buy them. Having to listen to my parents complain when I ask them to buy me ONE PACK of diapers! ONE PACK in the past 10 months. I am so stressed out, it's ridiculous. I can't focus on school. I've been losing sleep and gaining weight. My blood pressure is higher than it's ever been. I went to the doctor a few days ago and she was concerned about my stress level, saying that stress is the basis for a lot of diseases. Ughhhhhh. If I just had a JOB, my stress level would be cut in half! I can't live like this. What kind of mother am I? I'm not proud of myself at all, in actuality, some days I feel like I hate myself. I know I can't do this much longer. I've tried to be patient and strong. I'm just going to keep praying. God has been opening doors and giving me signs these past few weeks. I know something big is going to happen; I know he has something in store for me! And it's coming soon. I can aactually FEEL it. My life is about to change. I've never felt like this before; I just know something is coming and I'm ready!!!!