I Can't Keep Doing This...

I don't even know where to begin with this post. I have a lot on my mind today.

Well, I guess this passage sums it all up:

I am talking about soul mates. The relationship may be challenged, and it may even be betrayed, but when it is all over, you still have the only person you really want to talk to, the one who makes you laugh. ... A healthy relationship has diversity. It continually changes... Passion may come and go, hard times may make you falter, but through it all you are friends. The truth of the matter is we all will face conflicts, but when we do, if we are joined by the same Father, we will easily be corrected.

These words hit home for me. At the end of the day, I'm not thinking about anyone else. And when we are around each other, it's like... I can't explain. But I know he feels the same thing. But I messed up really bad and I also know that he is scared to give his heart to me again. I'm trying to prove to him that he can trust me.

It's not enough that I believe in us. There was a point in time where I wasn't in love with him anymore either. And it lasted for about 2 months... maybe 3... but I didn't say anything. I didn't give up. I kept holding on and my feelings came back, and I loved him more than before. I stopped because of something he said to his ex. And even tho I had told him about it, he didn't apologize and he thought it was okay. I just wanted him to be sorry for hurting me. But he wasn't, and I felt betrayed. But I said to myself, "You know what, in the long run, this doesn't matter. I'm going to be with him for the rest of my life, and this isn't that serious." Even when we fought, I never - NEVER - thought that we weren't meant to be together. I thought it was hard, like all relationships. I thought it would take work, like all relationships. I thought we would get past it as we grew older and wiser. Relationships aren't easy. Everybody on Earth knows that! And everyone knows that sometimes, you will have BIG problems that test your relationship. But when you love someone, you pass those tests, no matter what it takes. You suck it up, grit your teeth, tighten your fists, and fight. That's what you do. You fight against the feelings that you're not meant to be. You fight against Satan trying to come between you. He's only doing it because he knows God has something amazing planned for the two of you. MLK, Jr. once said, "Faith is taking the first step even when you don't see the whole staircase." Yeah, it may look rough right now. But that doesn't mean you give up after 2 months of hardship. Or even 3 months. Sometimes it can take years to fix a problem in a relationship. But you know what happens after the fight? You revel in victory. I've always been a competitor and a fighter. I never give up. I fight to the death, especially when I believe in something. I'm optimistic. I see the good in EVERYTHING. I always believe any negative event can have a positive outcome. And he always used to talk about how much he liked that about me, because he wasn't like that.

These are the thoughts that hold me back. The wondering, the "what ifs," and how unfair it all is. How unfair that I am willing to give it another chance because I know it would be different. How unfair that he doesn't even want it to be good again. Sometimes I come here and read what I wrote, and I can't believe I'm really saying all that stuff. I'm trying to be strong. But I am crushed. I've never been like this before. I always seem to get over the hurt. But it's different this time. I feel so beat down. I feel betrayed and I feel worthless. Every day is a little more difficult. I miss him a lot... there are days where I wish he was just here watching TV with me or something. But yesterday we were talking and he said "you act like I'm already dating her." So of course I took that to mean he isn't dating her YET, but he's planning on doing it in the future. Might be true, but it probly isn't. I trust him and I believe everything he tells me. Even if one of my friends came to me and said they saw him doing something, I wouldn't believe it. But it's all in the way he worded it. It hurts that he doesn't return these feelings. It hurts that he'd rather hang out with her than with me, and it hurts that he doesn't miss me at all.

Everyone says they want love. And I'm offering him the best of me. I don't even want this for me anymore. I want it for him. I want to give him the best love of his life. I already know that nobody will love him as much as I do. I will do whatever it takes. Anything. ANYTHING. And I don't want him to give up on me. I want this to be a break. Not a break up. Once upon a time I was the best thing that ever happened to him. I was the most wonderful, incredible woman he had ever dated and I want him to feel that way again. I was his baby. And I lit up like a Christmas tree when he called me that last night. If he would just give me one last chance, I know I could be the woman of his dreams again. I truly feel that he is my soulmate and I can't give up. I talk about it all the time bc this is what's in my heart. It's all I think about.