Moving On

I e-mailed him back, and we got everything out in the open. We talked and it was nice, but I'm glad to be done with it. I have come to the conclusion that I don't care anymore. He can do what he wants with his life, cuz that's what I'm doing with mine.

I know what kind of girlfriend I was. And I know what kind of person I am. I know that I am a treasure and I'm not going to sit here depressed over ANY man. Because at the end of the day, that's what he is - a man. Like he said, I deserve someone who loves me as much as I love them.

Someday I will find that person, but for now, I am focusing on MY happiness and mine alone. I'm done worrying about if he's dating or what he's doing with his life. Because I know that he will never find anyone who loves him the way I did. He wants to be single and go see what else is out there, that's fine with me. But by the time he realizes I was the best thing that ever happened to him, I'll be loving someone who didn't have to lose me to figure that out. I'm not about to sit here and think about him all day long. I refuse. Thinking about him makes me angry. Angry to the point of tears. But I'm not going to dwell on that. I'm not about to sit here and keep asking myself, why this & why that. I don't care anymore!

I deserve better. I deserve someone who truly loves me. I know what I want. I want a man who is going to love me regardless of the fights and who isn't going to give up on me. If you can fall out of love with me, you never really loved me in the first place. And it's a shame that I had to get my heart broken like this, but it's just another learning experience.

I can't WAIT to find the man that God has for me. Part of me still feels like it was supposed to be him. But whatever. I'm not about to sit here and waste my feelings on anybody. I'm saving these for the man who deserves them.

I don't want to make it seem like he was some kind of terrible person. He was really a great boyfriend, until our son was born. He couldn't handle it. We were arguing and fighting a lot, and he gave up. I wrote him a lot of love letters trying to convince him that we could make this work. But he didn't want it.

You know what, I love myself. I love myself so much, that I'm not about to SIT HERE and watch myself HURT. No way in hell am I about to let that happen. I have my whole life ahead of me. I cried my tears and said my prayers. I'm DONE. I am a beautiful 21 year old woman with a beautiful son. I am a full-time student, I'm working on owning my own business, I have my own place, and I'm about to buy a car. I'm a strong, loving, selfless, and good-hearted person. I am a rare gem, and anyone who can't see that isn't worth any of my time. Don't get me wrong - I know I have my flaws. But I'm also smart enough to know that people change. I know that the flaws I have now, are not going to be here in the future. I have a picture in my head of the woman I am becoming. And I am so eager to meet her... man, if everybody could see what I see! I'm not gonna lie, a part of me STILL wants him back and a part of me feels like he is my soulmate. But I'm going to kill that part of me if it's the last thing I do.

At first I was going to take the easy way out and just say I would never love again. I was jealous of all my friends and I hated everyone who was getting married and finding happiness. But I don't want to be that person. I want to be happy for everyone. But I can't be happy for them, until I'm happy for myself. So that's what I'm working on. It's easy for me to just say I hate him and I wish I never met him. Yes, I felt that way at one point. But I'm not going to let Satan steal my joy just because ONE MAN doesn't want me. I'm not going to let him make me feel like I'm worthless! I am a child of God. And there is no way I should be acting like that, knowing that I belong to him.

It's time for me to stop doing this to myself. Yesterday was the last time I cried. I'm not doing that ANYMORE! My life has just begun, and it's time for me to take the first step on this journey. Time to close the door on him and everything we had, because I know something better is in store. Opportunity will be knocking at another door soon. And I'm not going to miss it because I'm too busy crying over the last door that closed. No, I will be ready. I WILL BE READY!